I GIVE UP!

Its been over a month since I drove off crying and you walked away. We could barely survive a week without each other, but here we are a MONTH later. I guess I have a lot to say since that month, but nothing worth mentioning, really. Not a day has gone by without something reminding me of you. I keep forgetting to forget, I suppose. I don’t have any anger built up and the only sadness I feel is that hopeless feeling; we used to be so close and now we’re complete strangers. I think that’s sad, but I also understand that this is how it will be. I’ve come to terms with that. I don’t toss and turn at night, awake with the memories of you anymore. I don’t cry. 

I knew I needed to do some inward healing and self-discovery in order to fix the things that were broken. Regardless of if I ended back up with my ex or decided to move on, I needed a way to get out my feelings and the lessons I learned along the way. This blog, in so many ways was a coping mechanism, and a necessary one at that. I wrote here religiously, sharing with you all the thoughts and emotions of a brokenhearted girl. A month has passed and I’m healed. Not completely, there are still scars from my past that present problems for my future, but I’m happy and whole. I’m a better person today than I was yesterday. 

I’m slowly learning how to let you go because I know when enough is enough. I’m content with being just friends because I prefer to be friends rather than to not be, right? Sure, letting go is extremely difficult, but I can’t keep holding onto something that I know will never be mine. I’m slowly letting my feelings fade away. It doesn’t mean that I’ve stopped liking you, it’s just not as strong as it used to be and my feelings never fully drift away.I pray everyday for God to guide me in the right direction and give me the strength to be a stronger person but I feel like I am alone with this one sometimes. How could I want to be with somebody that is constantly bringing me down then brings me back up again, its like my heart has been on a roller coaster ride that doesn't ever stop. I think in some ways its a type of abuse which is making my brain sick.

I am 20 years old and I feel like my life is falling apart even though it really hasn't begun. There were so many standards I set for myself before I met him. Like the qualities I wanted in a boyfriend and because I fell so in love with him I came to the terms that those things didn't matter but as the love fades I am starting realize that they do. I want to build a life with someone that believes in the same values and ideas that I do or at least similar. Then the reasons he makes for being such a piece of shit to me is because i am not with him or around him but how am I suppose to believe that and put my life in his hands if I do move over to him that he isn't gonna do the same thing to me or even worse. I just feel like i am disappointed in myself for not being a strong girl. I have to depend on this person to determine how my day is going to turn out like. Is he going to say something to be before I wake up and check my phone thats going to make me feel like shit all day, probably. Or am I going to be lucky today with one of his simple line expressing his love to me, which will make me feel good for 12 hours. I just feel stuck in my own misery :(. I just don't feel strong enough.

There’s a part of me that will always hold you in my heart, but I can’t keep holding on. I just can’t because I’m fighting a battle between my heart and my mind. My mind is winning right now because I know the reality of this. I can’t just keep letting my feelings grow to a new height because I’ll end up hurting myself more than ever.

I’m learning to let you go even though it hurts me. Even though it kills me to, I’m getting there. As much as it hurts me, I have to. I have to before my feelings grow to another level. I already know that I stand no chance with you regardless of how many people tell me that I don’t know that. I do because normally my instincts never tell me wrong. So, I’m slowly learning how to let you go. Being friends is better than nothing at all. It’s my fault for falling in the first place, so now I have to just dig myself out of it. Since I was the one who started it, I’ll end it as well. 

So, this is the ending to my feelings that will never fade, but just won’t be as strong as it used to be. I’m letting you go because I can’t afford to get hurt even more as selfish as it sounds especially when I know you can never be mine. I’m slowly letting you go as much as it kills me to. I really am.

I have to shift MY attention from "us" and "him/they" to "me."It gets to a point where you have to be honest with yourself and understand that it's officially over. It hurts a lot and it's been a month for me now but it's healthy to realize that and accept it. I don't know if it ever goes away completely, a part of me hopes it does for my own sake. No one likes to hurt. Start doing things that you had lost interest in when you were in the relationship or do things you'd never thought you'd do. It's a bittersweet emotion to feel happiness and not have that person anymore to share it with, but now it's time for you to relish in your happiness alone and be okay with being alone. If you believe in God, it helps to think and know that it's in God's hands and God will decide whether or not a new relationship should happen between you two or if you are better off apart. You cannot control your future, so live in your present. 

Take the baby steps, I'm not over him yet, but I'm learning to slowly accept this. It helped a lot to know I wasn't the only one who felt this way, my heart is still very much in love with him but once you start believing it's for YOUR best, it'll help you move forward.